Fight or flight

A phobia the world does not take seriously enough is the absolute terror birds strike into the hearts of innocent souls. I used to be like you. Happy, content, and even comfortable with the existence of birds. Now? Now I believe they’re minions sent from hell to cause just enough misery to devastate your day. Reasonably, you’d wonder why. Oriel house is a three storey building surrounded by a flourish of flush trees. The architecture of the building resembles a hollow rectangle, meaning the middle of said building is a quaint quad. Above the quad is a wired net, connecting the roofs of the rectangle. Its very existence is to prohibit birds from getting in. This does not always work.

“Somehow, someday, I am going to travel back in time and body slam myself into the ground for taking Philosophy.” I mumbled as I stared at the blinking cursor in front of me.

“Struggling with your essay?” Mirren asked as she flicked through her Anthropology, a mess of notes and exam pad paper thrown across her bed. Rubbing my eyes and glancing at my roommate I mumbled: “I’m struggling with life.”

Mirren chuckled and was about of offer a reply but was cut off when a blood curdling scream broke through the calm of Oriel house. “It’s happening.” I said. What it was, I’m not really sure. Rushing to the door Mirren and I jerked the door opened to be greeted what must have been the angriest, and downright biggest, pigeon I have ever seen in my life. It looked like it ate the souls of children for lunch and shat nightmares.

Initially, I found the whole situation amusing. Two House Comm members, Lana and Siya, were holding a broom and a bucket respectively. Siya crouched low to the ground while Lana held the broom as if it were a fierce sword, swinging it every few steps as if the pigeon was a pinata. Normally this maneuver would work on any mortal pigeon, but no, this pigeon did not fear a mere broom and bucket. But instead, fought back.

As soon as the pigeon jumped up and flapped its wings Lana dropped the broom and walked away towards her room with her hands raised. “Nope, I’m out. I don’t get paid for this.” Leaving a defenceless Siya to try catch the pigeon by throwing the bucket at it. This was ineffective. By the now, everyone is freaking out a little and the pigeon is more than a little pissed off. Siya ran into the bathroom, opened the window, and backed away from the pigeon. “It’s okay,” She said to the growing audience. “It’ll fly its way out.”

It was quiet for about five minutes before it snuck into the bathroom, the same bathroom Jessica was making her way towards. As soon as she stepped inside, all hell broke loose. Screams broke out all across the third floor, people were sticking their heads out their doors only to hastily shut them because, let me tell you, that pigeon was on a fucking mission. It chased Jessica all the way to her room and sat outside of it, like a lion stalking its prey. And me, the kind generous soul I am, went to investigate if everyone was okay. Well, that was probably a worse idea than taking Philosophy. As soon as I rounded the corner there the devil creature was, staring at me with its beady little eyes.

Now, let me paint you a picture. Me, a fully grown eighteen year old, running for my life down a carpeted corridor as a pigeon, roughly a sixth of my size, flew after me. It would’ve been fine, I would have been fine, if someone - my roommate - had not locked me out of the room because she was just as terrified as I was. Except she didn’t have a flying beast coming after her. Again, I would have been fine if some people - supposedly my best friends - hadn’t slammed their doors in my face. “I’m sorry Kylie!” Tshiamo screamed through the door. “It’s Tash, she won’t open it.” “Kylie, I love you but I hate birds more so no.” Tash stated.

“You’re all dead to me and I hate everyone.” I shouted as the bird chased me not once, not twice, but three times around the house. By then I was ready to admit defeat, I would welcome death like an old friend.

Now, that was my first step towards fearing birds. Mirren saved me, and the pigeon escaped down the stairs, to which I assumed it walked out the front door with a swagger that no bird has any right to. I could argue that the pigeon was scared, that’s why I was attacked. I could understand it’s predicament. What I don’t understand is the utter hatred Mojo and Jojo had for humanity.

My room was on the third floor of my residence. From that room my friends and I could chuck keys, purses, and clothes out the window should my friends need them. It became a Rapunzel situation, except the evil woman keeping us there were three flights of stairs no one was willing to conquer. One day my friend Rumbi called me to throw down a lighter. It was routine at this stage. I stick my head out the window, throw the object down, and the transaction is completed.

No. Outside my window are a pair of Starlings that had taken residence in the tree and clearly something about my face deeply offended them because then, in next moment, I had two vicious black blurs coming for me. I was in shock as I lunged backwards - clearly that’s the reason I chose to test it out again. Sticking my head out the window the birds wasted no time in claiming the windowsill. “Get out ya stupid human, this is our window and we will fight you for it.” They seemed to say. I was not brave, I closed my window and prayed for forgiveness. That night my friends didn’t believe me.

The next day they tested out my theory and when Tshiamo and Mirren lunged backwards, a scream of terror on their tongues as they received the same warm welcome - a deep satisfaction seeped into my bones that was sweeter than any essay extension.